So, I was going through some of my old files, and I found something that brings up so many memories from my younger days that I thought I would share. I was something of a dumbass in high school and as such... well, you'll see.
I had a friend in highschool who was extremely Christian. This is unusual for me since I am very anti-religion, and have a very big mouth. Most Christians do not like to associate with me, and you are about to see why. This particular friend was about to have a birthday, and myself and two other friends decided to make him a "present."
We wrote him a letter, and though I must give most of the credit to my friend Regan, all of us chipped in. Of course, you can't write a letter to a crazy Christian bastard who believes in predestination (seriously) without making fun of his beliefs. So that is what we did. It still makes me laugh to this day, but I am somewhat embarrassed by its contents.
My school had a store that one could go to in order to send balloons and treats to your friends. I took the note and stapled it to an angel hello kitty doll. You know, since it was angel and all. I took it to the store and told them to deliver it with some pink and purple balloons.
It was about two hours later when I was walking out of some form of special lecture with my friends when a security guard stopped me and asked if I was Stephanie. He then asked me to go with him. As I said, I was a dumbass, so I had no idea what was wrong. I didn't even become suspicious when he asked to take my backpack.
Minutes later, I was in the front office getting
screamed at by the principal. I don't remember everything, but I know he way overreacted, and I know that I thought I was going to die. I remember I was crying, and I remember that, as I said, he was screaming.
One exchange I remember pretty clearly goes like this:
Me: It was just a joke, we didn't mean anything.
Principal: DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY??!!
Me: (crying) NO, NO!!! It's not funny!
I laugh now, but at the time... it wasn't funny...
So, anyway, I guess this is as good a time as ever to let you read the letter in question. It went as follows:
777 You-Know-Where Ave.
Way Up There, HV 77777
April 23, 2004
My Dear Disciple,
Many congrats to you on the anniversary of your birth, which, I might add, I allowed, and you are eternally in debt to My awesome and holy God-ness. Despite the fact that you are a low, filthy, useless, miserable creature that thinks it's special (much like a tick), take comfort in the fact that you are still a low filthy, useless, miserable creature, but a special one, because I have chosen YOU to redeem mankind. Think of yourself like a Jesus Jr., much as a linkette compared to a foot-long weenie.
Your mission, my scrumptious savior-to-be, is to go on a rampage and send all the pagans, heathens, nonbelievers, Satanists, and (most importantly) Catholics to their rightful place of fiery DOOM! Then, after you have weeded My garden of cheesy sanctity, educate all the gerbils of Gilbert in the ways of My word. Once you have done this, go to Freestone Park, the gateway to heaven, and cook some spare ribs from all those sinful men you heartlessly murdered in My holy name. If your cooking satisfies My divine appetite, then I will be sure to transform those ribs into a handful of lovely ladies, guaranteed to keep you satisfied.
Be sure to scream, "Psuedocountenance of the carbonic masses! Jurisdiction! Guar hydroxypropyltrimonium chloride! Methylchloroisothiazolinone!" for this is the secret semi-psuedo password that unlocks the Cloister of Pyrithionire Trials of Zine. However, you must be wearing a booty skirt and nylons for this to happen, for the only way to be a true Christian is to truly know and love those you claim not to hate. And what better way than to cross-dress? Remember, I'm counting on YOU to fulfill My duties for Me.
Your Lord and Savior and semi-permanent father,
God
P.S. I'm also Jesus. And the Holy Spirit. And Yahweh, Allah, Jehovah, Christ, Elohim, El Shaddai, Adonai, Theos, Kurios, Despotes, El Olam, Yahweh Shalom, Aahad, Ya Razzaaq, Yahweh Maccaddeshcem, Raffee, Yahweh Tsidkenu, El Elyon, and Yahweh Elohim Israel. Do not despair. Praise me! Pander to me, you worthless, sinful psuedopod!
P.P.S. Bring lots of water.
P.P.P.S. On second thought, bring wine, I'm feeling lazy.
P.P.P.P.S. If you're friends keep mocking your faith, just let Me know and I'll send SuperChrist after them.
P.P.P.P.P.S. You'll be glad to know that I sent another few hundred aborted babies to hell today.
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I don't like spicy ribs.
Yes, they thought we were serious, and my principal literally thought we were going to try to kill the heathens. They almost put the school in lockdown, and they called the police. Seriously.
I should also mention that they are all dumbasses. But you knew that. They spent hours trying to figure out a number of things, including but not limited to:
1)What kind of secret, evil code words we were using in the following statement: "Psuedocountenance of the carbonic masses! Jurisdiction! Guar hydroxypropyltrimonium chloride! Methylchloroisothiazolinone!" To clear things up, I got those words that you may not recognize (although there is a strong possibility that they didn't recognize any of them) off of a shampoo bottle. Yes, that is what I did. But no, they are really secret words from my mass cult.
2) They also tried to figure out what cult I was in and whether my followers were intimidated by me. They actually asked my male Christian friend this. He was a very confident guy, not to mention about 6'4" and like 220lbs. He could've stepped on me. But apparently I was intimidating enough that I had complete control over him.
3) Whether there was some secret meaning to the presence of a black (read: purple) balloon in the midst of all the pink ones. Yes, black stands for Satan. Except when it is purple.
So, my parents were called in, and of course, as soon as they came in, the principal's douchebaggery dropped by like a million. What an asshole.
Then, Officer Skippy came in to make sure that we were going to spare Freestone Park the misfortune of having my tall, masculine friend romp around wearing a "booty skirt." He was less of an asshole and less of a dumbass, but he was still a dumbass. It worried him that we were smart and that we had done such a convincing job of satirizing the bible. I do think we were quite funny, but I hardly think that it was sophisticated enough to call it satire. Maybe if you think Scrubs is quality humor, you might think that anything we wrote was at all highbrow.
Anyway, to wrap it up, since we didn't do anything wrong, and everything that happened was the fault of incompetent administration, we were suspended for two weeks. That was four weeks before the end of the school year. My grades thanked me.
